“Marriage” series: (post #8)

It’s been said that problems in a marriage don’t become catastrophic until the couple can’t talk about them. It’s also been said that silence is the most frightening sound in any marriage. The Bible certainly gives us many verses that pertain to communication, and they can all be applied to marriage. Consider these (all from the N.K.J.V.):

Psalm 34:13: Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.

Psalm 141:3: Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.

Proverbs 10:11: The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, but violence covers the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:21: The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of wisdom.

Proverbs 12:18: There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.

Proverbs 13:3: He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.

Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 18:21: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 21:23: Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.

Proverbs 25:11: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

James 3:6: And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.

1 Peter 3:10: He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.

Somewhere along the way, I came across a list of the five levels of communication in marriage. As I name these five, see which one best describes your marriage:

#1: The frivolous level: This kind of communication centers around small talk. It’s just chitchat that has very little depth. For example, a husband says, “It’s cold out there today.” His wife responds, “Yes, it is.”

#2: The factual level: This kind of communication involves the emotionless reporting of facts. A wife says, “The Thompsons bought a new grill.” The husband responds, “Yes, Home Depot is running a sale on grills right now, and they bought it there.” The factual level is little more than a notch above the frivolous level.

#3: The fellowship level: At this level, married couples talk about ideas and philosophies. A wife says, ” Some people strongly believe our nation should never go to war.” Her husband responds, “Yes, Linda at work holds that opinion, but Charlie believes wars sometimes have to be fought to ensure the greater good.” You see, neither spouse has staked out a position on the rights and wrongs of warfare, but the topic of conversation is bigger than anything from the previous two levels.

#4: The feeling level: Here is where spouses really open up and speak in very personal ways. The wife says, “Well, I agree with Linda. Our nation has seen enough war. We need to try pacifism a while.” But the husband responds, “No, Charlie makes the better argument and I’m with him on this issue.” Each spouse has now opened himself or herself up to potential criticism and rejection.

#5: The freedom level: At this highest level of communication, neither spouse holds anything back. Every hope, dream, fear, opinion, belief, etc. is out there on display. There is no worry about being judged, put down, or rejected. Even if one spouse doesn’t agree with the other, there is unconditional love and acceptance.

Always keep in mind that some forms of communicating don’t make for good communication. That list includes: intimidating through temper, taking a superior tone, belittling your spouse, yelling louder than your spouse, talking more than your spouse, and making your spouse feel guilty by means of your crocodile tears. If you are in the habit of wielding any of these weapons when you talk to your spouse, STOP IT. You are killing any chance that your marriage has at reaching the freedom level, that highest level of communication. For that matter, you might very well be killing your marriage.

And here’s one last thought: Communication cannot occur until someone is ready to listen. If your idea of communicating is getting the floor and holding it, your communication skills function at a mere 50% capacity. James 1:19 says: “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (N.K.J.V., emphasis mine) Tell me, how swift are you at hearing? The swifter you are, the better you will be at communication.