“Marriage” series: (post #4)

Somewhere along the way, the term “the gift of singleness” began to be a thing. This term is an attempt to convey the idea that some people have a special ability to remain single, never having a desire to get married. In other words, “the gift of singleness” is not just being single. It is more than that. It is the ability to spend your life single and be content, even happy, about doing it.

No doubt, the “gift of singleness” term derives from 1 Corinthians 7:7. Paul begins that verse by saying he wishes all men were like him in regards to being single and being able to serve Jesus without having to also deal with the responsibilities of marriage. But then he quickly follows that up by acknowledging that the single life isn’t for everybody. As he describes the situation, “…each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that” (N.K.J.V., emphasis mine). Obviously, Paul is calling his ability to remain happily single a “gift,” hence the term “the gift of singleness.”

So, while the full term itself is never used in scripture — and even if it was, such a “gift” wouldn’t be on par with an actual spiritual gift like teaching, giving, ministering, etc. (Romans 12:3-8; 1 Corinthians 12:1-13; Ephesians 4:7-16) — I understand why people talk about “the gift of singleness.” After all, some folks just don’t need or want to get married. That doesn’t make them bad people. It just makes them people who are more than okay with not getting married.

By contrast, though, telling some people they have “the gift of singleness” is about like telling them they have “the gift of baldness,” “the gift of nearsightedness,” or “the gift of awful in-laws.” In such cases, an individual might sarcastically say to God, “Gee, thanks, Lord. Of all the gifts You could have given me, THAT’S the one You picked?” You see, it’s one thing to try to live the single life, the life described in Matthew 19:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:32-40, when you feel blessed to have the opportunity to live that kind of life. But it’s quite another thing to try to live that life when your desire for marriage is so great that it causes you to cry out to God, begging Him to send you someone.

Since I have been married for many years, I certainly don’t pretend to be the all-knowing voice of wisdom and practical advice in regards to this topic. I’m far from that. Nevertheless, I do feel led of the Lord to at least attempt to offer some thoughts that might help someone who is currently living in the vortex of this problem. As you read these, I hope you will hear them as coming from a guy who is trying to help, not a guy who is talking down to anybody. Also, since I am a Christian and a preacher, my list is going to naturally be slanted toward Christianity and the Bible.

#1: Jesus is the One who has the answers you need. If you have never placed your belief in Jesus as Savior, do so now. He is God the Son, who left heaven, was miraculously conceived in the womb of a Jewish virgin named Mary, was born into the human race, lived a sinless life among the people of this world, died on a Roman cross as the substitutionary sacrifice for the sins of the entire human race, resurrected from the dead, ascended back to heaven, and now provides salvation (i.e., the forgiveness of all sin, acceptance into heaven) to any individual who voluntarily places saving belief in Him. Furthermore, the moment a person believes in Jesus this way, He sends God the Holy Spirit to literally live inside that person’s body. This is the “born again” experience (John 3:1-8), and it changes you on the inside by giving you a new nature, new priorities, new desires, and new attitudes. Additionally, the indwelling Holy Spirit will guide you and teach you in regards to all truth (John 16:13), which includes what is God’s will for your life and what isn’t.

#2: God doesn’t want any single person to be stressed out, worried, or filled with anxiety about not being married. As Philippians 4:6-7 says: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (N.LT.). Another good passage on this is 1 Peter 5:7: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you” (N.L.T.).

#3: If you have a desire to get married, don’t ignore that desire. This holds especially true if you are a Christian. Philippians 2:13 says: “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (N.K.J.V.). That means that God, working through the indwelling Holy Spirit, implants within the Christian the desire to do His will. One example of that would be Him implanting within the Christian the desire to get married.

#4: Live all out for Christ while you are single. Married or unmarried, the best way to live is to bring every corner of your life under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Get in lock step with Him and let Him guide you into His will. First, begin by committing your entire body to Christ as a living sacrifice the way Romans 12:1-2 describes. Second, even more than just begrudgingly obeying Christ’s commands and emulating His example, strive to get to a level where you actually delight yourself in serving Him. By implication, this will include delighting yourself in the Lord’s perfect will and plan for your life. As you do this, you can then claim the very real promise of Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart” (N.K.J.V.).

#5: Don’t assume that your singleness is God punishing you for mistakes you’ve made in the past. If you know Christ as Savior, ALL of your sins are forgiven. I’m not minimizing or excusing anything you’ve done; I’m just pointing out that it’s Satan, not God, who loves to bring up your past. God is very much a God of the here and now, not to mention the future.

#6 It’s at least possible that it’s not God’s perfect timing yet for you to get married. Marriage doesn’t have to happen in a person’s late teens or early twenties or else the opportunity is missed. As evidence of that, when Tonya and I got married, I was 27 and she was 25. While it might never be in God’s plan for a person to marry, age doesn’t have to be the tell-tale sign that proves that.

#7: Always keep an eternal perspective in mind when you think about marriage. For all the talk about marriage, the only marriage in eternity will be the one between Jesus and His church (Matthew 22:30). Yes, you read that right. No marriage extends into the afterlife. As Ephesians 5:22-33, Revelation 19:6-9, and Revelation 21:9 teach, the church is the eternal bride (wife) and Jesus is the eternal bridegroom (husband). Marriage between any man and woman is only a temporal, earthly relationship.

Now, as I begin to close, let me say again that I was 27 years old before I got married. Because of that, I do know something about trying to live a life of holiness as a single and waiting on God to send someone my way. I’ve been on bad blind dates, dressed up for the grocery store in hopes of meeting a girl there, gone to the movies by myself, and foolishly chased relationships that were dead ends. Undoubtedly, that is not a fun way to live. Going around angry, disappointed, frustrated, bitter, jealous, and resentful is no way to live, either. Therefore, I would advise any single person who is feeling such emotions to go to God in prayer, voice all complaints to Him, and in so doing be achingly real with Him.

You might be saying, “But I’ve already done that many times.” Well, don’t stop doing it until you get some definite answers. Don’t just talk at God, talk with Him. As for His answers, they can come by way of His written word, His inner voice (if you are a Christian), your circumstances, open doors of opportunity in your life, closed doors of opportunity in your life, the wise counsel of others, your desires, your preferences, and any other ways in which God sees fit to convey His will to you.

As for the question, “When do you reach a point where you just give up on the idea of getting married?” that’s not for me to answer. Going back to statement #1 on my list, Jesus is One who has the answers you need. Any Savior who loves you enough to literally die for you loves you enough to want good things for you. And maybe marriage is one of those good things He has in mind for you. If it isn’t, that simply means that Jesus is calling you to play an unmarried role in life. One thing is for sure, He doesn’t make mistakes, and that includes making one by not letting you get married. You just need to commit yourself to Him and allow Him to work you through the process of molding and shaping you into the person He wants you to be, either married or unmarried. That molding and shaping will take a lifetime, but it will result in a life well lived and awesome eternal rewards.