What Does the Bible Teach About Divorce & Remarriage?

Posted on February 23, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #9)

Any series on marriage would be lacking if it didn’t address the issue of divorce and remarriage. For one thing, it would pass over an entire category of marriages, a category that has become commonplace in our society. For another, it would omit a fair-sized list of important Bible passages.

What I want to do with this post is build a bridge that will allow us to rightly understand what the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage. To build this bridge, I’ll use 7 “planks” of truth. Each of these “planks” comes straight from the pages of scripture.

Plank #1: God’s ideal for marriage is one man-one woman till death do they part. This is taught in both the Old Testament (Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 5:18) and the New Testament (Matthew 19:1-6, Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5,39). While it’s true that prominent Old Testament characters such as Jacob, David, and Solomon had many wives, it’s also true that such polygamous relationships were never God’s will. He allowed them and even used them to further His purposes, but they were never His ideal. Furthermore, even a casual study of these families will show that polygamy comes with a steep bill. Inevitably, it creates major problems because it evokes great jealousy among the wives and children.

Plank #2: God hates divorce. These are God’s words not mine as they are found in Malachi 2:16. Note that He hates divorce, not the divorcee. If you wonder why God hates divorce, I’m guessing you’ve never been personally touched by it. Typically, it is a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, devastating ordeal. It is especially hard when children are involved because they get washed over by the tidal wave. For that matter, so do the grandparents, uncles, aunts, in-laws, and other family members. Not only does God hate divorce because of what it does to the husband and wife, He hates it because of what it does to the rest of the family on both sides.

Plank #3: Despite God’s ideal for marriage and His hatred of divorce, He will grant a divorce in certain situations. One situation involves sexual immorality on the part of the husband or wife. Jesus said,

But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32, 19:9, N.K.J.V., emphasis mine

The Greek word translated as “sexual immorality” in that quote is porneia. It is an umbrella term that covers every form of sexual sin, including adultery (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:9), homosexuality (Jude v.7), and incest (1 Corinthians 5:1). Therefore, God considers all of these sexual sins as legitimate grounds for divorce. Not coincidentally, these sexual sins (as well as the sin of bestiality) were death-penalty offenses under Old Testament law (Leviticus 18:1-30). So, to sum up, if a husband or a wife has any kind of sexual relations outside the marriage, God will grant a divorce to the victimized spouse.

A second situation in which God will grant a divorce involves spousal abandonment. It must be understood, though, that this abandonment is of a highly specific nature. It is a Christian spouse being left (abandoned) by a non-Christian spouse. Writing under the inspiration of God (2 Timothy 3:16), the apostle Paul explained that the Christian is not “under bondage in such cases” (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Plank #4: In any case where God grants a divorce, He also grants the right to remarry, assuming the remarriage is in His will. In 1 Corinthians 7:27-28, Paul writes:

Are you bound (married) to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed (divorced). Are you loosed (divorced) from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned. (N.K.J.V.)

As for the fact the new marriage should be in God’s will for the person’s life, that is a  standard for any marriage (1 Corinthians 7:39).

Plank #5: Unscriptural divorce creates adultery. If a person gets a divorce on grounds that are not Biblical and then remarries, that remarriage makes the person an adulterer. I realize this is a tough standard, but it’s the one Jesus lays down in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9.

The specific example Jesus cites in those verses assumes that both the husband and the wife will remarry and consummate their new marriages. God will see those consummations as adultery because in His mind that husband and wife will still be in marriage covenant with each other. To make matters worse, the consummations will also make adulterers of each of the new spouses.

Plank #6: There is forgiveness to be found in Christ for every sin in regards to marriage, divorce, and remarriage. The epistle of 1 John was written to Christians, and it says in 1 John 1:9:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (N.K.J.V.)

That covers the Christian who needs to seek forgiveness of sin in this area. You see, the issue with the Christian is not lost salvation. It is, instead, lost fellowship with the Lord.

But what about the lost person who needs to seek forgiveness of sin in regards to unscriptural divorce and remarriage? Well, truth be told, the lost person is already living under divine condemnation because of all his or her sins. As John 3:18 says:

He who believes in Him (Christ) is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. (N.K.J.V.)

Sadly, a lost person’s sin in regards to marriage, divorce, and remarriage is just more unforgiven sin in a lifetime filled with unforgiven sin. He or she doesn’t lose any fellowship with God because there is no fellowship to lose. What the lost person needs more than anything is to believe in Christ as Savior and thereby receive forgiveness of all sins, including the sin of unscriptural divorce and remarriage. God’s word to such a man or woman is:

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:16-17, N.K.J.V.)

Plank #7: God wants the divorced-remarried person to remain in his or her current marriage (assuming that marriage isn’t some type of “same-sex marriage”). Even if a husband or wife realizes his or her current marriage is adulterous because it came after an unscriptural divorce, God wants that person to stay in the current marriage. He or she shouldn’t end the new marriage in divorce and try to remarry the previous spouse. That will just make a bad situation worse. For scripture to support this position, I will again reference 1 Corinthians 7:27, where Paul writes, “Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed…” Also, the Malachi 2:16 verse where God says He hates divorce would come into play as well.

Alright, now that we have these 7 planks of our bridge in place, we can do a little detail work on the bridge. Here now are 10 “detail” pieces that will help fill in some of the gaps. As was the case with the “planks,” each of these is based upon scripture.

1. God is the only “judge” who can truly grant a divorce. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). The judge downtown is just a man. He doesn’t have the power to separate a couple that God Himself has joined together. That judge can provide a legal document of divorce, but he can’t make that document stand good in the eyes of God.

2. Even though there are many unscriptural grounds (incompatibility, alcoholism, drug addiction, spousal abuse, child abuse, financial problems, etc.) people deem as worthy for divorce, not one of these is legitimate with God.

3. God does allow husbands and wives in troubled marriages to separate and yet not divorce. This should be remembered especially in marriages in which one of the spouses is truly at physical risk. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says: “A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband…” That word “depart” could include a separation that does not lead to divorce.

4. Even in situations in which God acknowledges Biblical grounds for divorce, He does not demand divorce (1 Corinthians 7:12-14). To the contrary, He might very well be pleased if the couple worked out their problems and made the marriage last.

5. In the Old Testament law God gave to Israel, a man could not divorce his wife and then remarry her again if she got remarried and divorced after he first divorced her (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

6. Under that Old Testament law, a man could divorce his wife for virtually any reason as long as he provided her with a written certificate of divorcement (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Centuries later, however, Jesus explained that God allowed this practice merely because of the hardness of the peoples’ hearts. Such divorces were never His will (Matthew 19:4-9).

7. Also under that Old Testament law, a priest could not marry a divorced woman, a widow, a defiled woman, or a harlot (Leviticus 21:14).

8. It is never God’s will for a Christian to marry a lost person (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). The scriptural term for such a marriage is “an unequal yoke.” Unfortunately, though, such marriages do happen. For example, one spouse might become a Christian while the other spouse refuses to do so, or perhaps a lost person might falsely claim to be a Christian long enough to marry a true Christian. Then again, sometimes Christians simply marry people they shouldn’t marry. Regardless of how such a union comes to pass, God wants the Christian to stay in the marriage and make it work. This is clearly taught in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14.

9. It is noteworthy that when Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, He said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ for you have had five husbands…” He didn’t say, “In God’s eyes, you are still married to each husband.” Why did Jesus word His conversation this way? It is at least possible that the woman provided each of those five husbands with the God-honored grounds of sexual immorality. If this was the case, God would have granted each of her husbands a divorce, which would have (from God’s viewpoint) left her without a husband.

10. No Christian will have to worry about any eternally lingering effects of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Jesus taught that there will be no marriage in eternity (Matthew 22:30). The only marriage will be that of the bridegroom, Jesus, to His bride, the church, (Ephesians 5:22-32).

Well, perhaps after reading all of this you feel like you’ve been clubbed to death with the Bible. Even worse, if you are divorced or divorced and remarried, you might feel like a second-class person in the eyes of God. Please don’t do that. Neither unscriptural divorce nor unscriptural divorce and remarriage is the unpardonable sin. There is complete forgiveness to be found in Christ!

More than that, God still wants to use you in wonderful ways in His service. Think about it, if He can use a murderer like Moses (Exodus 2:11-15), an adulterer/murderer like David (2 Samuel 11:1-27), a persecutor like Paul (Galatians 1:13), and a thief dying on a cross (Luke 23:39-43), He can certainly use you.

You say, “But Russell, you don’t know how badly I’ve missed the mark on this topic.” My response would be, “Have you missed it any worse than that Samaritan woman at the well?” She had five failed marriages on her track record and was living with a guy who wasn’t even one of the five (John 4:18). Nevertheless, God used her as one of the greatest examples of witnessing in all the Bible (John 4:28-30,39-42).

Listen, don’t let an unscriptural divorce or an unscriptural divorce and remarriage become the event that stands out as the mountaintop peak of your life. Once you’ve realized the sin in what you’ve done receive the 100% forgiveness that Jesus offers and START AFRESH AND ANEW RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE IN SERVICE TO HIM.

I don’t know if you’ve heard but the Lord is running short on volunteers. If you want to serve Him, He will put you to work! Will you ever forget your bad marriage? No. Will you have to deal with some fallout from it as long as you live? Perhaps. But everyone has things in their past they’d like to forget, and everyone is dealing with some sort of fallout from something. So, give yourself fully over to Christ and get on with your life. Stop living in the past. Realize that in Christ you really can have a joyous present and you really do have a glorious future.

Posted in Divorce, Divorce & Remarriage, God's Will, Homosexuality, Husbands, Marriage, Polygamy, Series: "Marriage", Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What About Communication in Marriage?

Posted on February 21, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #8)

It’s been said that problems in a marriage don’t become catastrophic until the couple can’t talk about them. It’s also been said that silence is the most frightening sound in any marriage. The Bible certainly gives us many verses that pertain to communication, and they can all be applied to marriage. Consider these (all from the N.K.J.V.):

Psalm 34:13: Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.

Psalm 141:3: Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.

Proverbs 10:11: The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, but violence covers the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:21: The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of wisdom.

Proverbs 12:18: There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.

Proverbs 13:3: He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.

Proverbs 15:1: A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 18:21: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 21:23: Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.

Proverbs 25:11: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

James 3:6: And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.

1 Peter 3:10: He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.

Somewhere along the way, I came across a list of the five levels of communication in marriage. As I name these five, see which one best describes your marriage:

#1: The frivolous level: This kind of communication centers around small talk. It’s just chitchat that has very little depth. For example, a husband says, “It’s cold out there today.” His wife responds, “Yes, it is.”

#2: The factual level: This kind of communication involves the emotionless reporting of facts. A wife says, “The Thompsons bought a new grill.” The husband responds, “Yes, Home Depot is running a sale on grills right now, and they bought it there.” The factual level is little more than a notch above the frivolous level.

#3: The fellowship level: At this level, married couples talk about ideas and philosophies. A wife says, ” Some people strongly believe our nation should never go to war.” Her husband responds, “Yes, Linda at work holds that opinion, but Charlie believes wars sometimes have to be fought to ensure the greater good.” You see, neither spouse has staked out a position on the rights and wrongs of warfare, but the topic of conversation is bigger than anything from the previous two levels.

#4: The feeling level: Here is where spouses really open up and speak in very personal ways. The wife says, “Well, I agree with Linda. Our nation has seen enough war. We need to try pacifism a while.” But the husband responds, “No, Charlie makes the better argument and I’m with him on this issue.” Each spouse has now opened himself or herself up to potential criticism and rejection.

#5: The freedom level: At this highest level of communication, neither spouse holds anything back. Every hope, dream, fear, opinion, belief, etc. is out there on display. There is no worry about being judged, put down, or rejected. Even if one spouse doesn’t agree with the other, there is unconditional love and acceptance.

Always keep in mind that some forms of communicating don’t make for good communication. That list includes: intimidating through temper, taking a superior tone, belittling your spouse, yelling louder than your spouse, talking more than your spouse, and making your spouse feel guilty by means of your crocodile tears. If you are in the habit of wielding any of these weapons when you talk to your spouse, STOP IT. You are killing any chance that your marriage has at reaching the freedom level, that highest level of communication. For that matter, you might very well be killing your marriage.

And here’s one last thought: Communication cannot occur until someone is ready to listen. If your idea of communicating is getting the floor and holding it, your communication skills function at a mere 50% capacity. James 1:19 says: “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (N.K.J.V., emphasis mine) Tell me, how swift are you at hearing? The swifter you are, the better you will be at communication.

Posted in Communication, Husbands, Marriage, Series: "Marriage", The Tongue, Wives | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Why Is Sex So Important in Marriage?

Posted on February 19, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #7)

The fact that our world has turned “sex” into a dirty word is tragic. After all, it was God who designed Adam and Eve to be sexual beings. He made them “male” and “female” and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). And what is the only way humans can multiply? Sex.

Obviously, then, one reason why sex is so important in marriage is procreation. Since many members of the human race die each day, new members must be born if the race is to continue. Procreation through sex was always God’s plan to perpetuate the race, and even Adam and Eve’s sin didn’t change that. The only change their sin produced in regards to procreation was that giving birth became painful for the woman. We hear this in God’s words to Eve: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception. In pain you shall bring forth children” (Genesis 3:16, N.K.J.V.).

A second reason why sex is so important in marriage is satisfaction. I’m talking now about the satisfying of the natural sex drive. Under the inspiration of God, Paul wrote:

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9, N.K.J.V.)

Clearly, there is nothing wrong with having a sex drive and “passion.” These things are very real parts of being human. But God demands that we meet our sexual needs within the bonds of marriage.

This explains why Paul, earlier in that same seventh chapter of 1 Corinthians, actually forbids a husband and wife from depriving one another of sex. He writes:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5, N.K.J.V.)

No doubt, Paul understood that the “water” Solomon describes in Proverbs 5:15-20 isn’t literal water. Those verses say:

Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times. And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress? (N.K.J.V.)

Furthermore, that wasn’t the only passage in which Solomon, writing every bit as much under the inspiration of God as Paul did, addressed the topic of sex in marriage. The entire book The Song of Solomon (or The Song of Songs) is filled with intimate (sometimes even erotic) passages concerning the joys of romance and sex between a man and wife. For example, in Song of Solomon 4:1-15 and 7:1-7, Solomon gives vivid descriptions of his beautiful wife, the Shulamite, and she returns the favor in Song of Solomon 5:10-16. As we read these passages, it isn’t hard to see that Solomon and the Shulamite were sexually attracted to each other.

Along the same lines, consider these other descriptive passages (all from the N.K.J.V.):

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth” (Song of Solomon 1:2).

“While the king is at his table, my spikenard sends forth its fragrance. A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me that lies all night between my breasts” (Song of Solomon 1:12-13).

“Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes. Behold, you are handsome, my beloved! Yes, pleasant! Also our bed is green” (Song of Solomon 1:15-16).

“By night on my bed I sought the one I love. I sought him, but I did not find him” (Song of Solomon 3:1)

Some people would be astounded to learn that such passages are in the Bible, but God had these words written and preserved to serve a purpose. He wants the world to know that He is very much for sex! It’s just that the sex has to be in accordance with His commandments and standards.

As for what are those commandments and standards are, here is the list:

Premarital sex is a sin.

Adultery is a sin.

Bigamy is a sin.

Polygamy is a sin.

Homosexuality is a sin.

Incest is a sin.

So, again let me say that “sex” isn’t supposed to be a dirty word. Sex only becomes dirty when we ignore God’s boundaries for it and start engaging in it through sinful ways. Not only is sex the God-designed means of propagation for the human race, it is also His outlet for the human sex drive in married couples. When it comes to sex, we only get into sin when we ignore God’s rules and in so doing turn it into something unholy rather than holy.

Posted in Desires, Homosexuality, Husbands, Lesbianism, Marriage, Series: "Marriage", Sex, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What Is the Wife’s Role in a Marriage?

Posted on February 16, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #6)

The wife’s role in a marriage simply cannot be understood Biblically without the use of that politically incorrect word “submission.” As I noted in my previous post, both the Old Testament and the New Testament teach that the husband should be the head of the home. In turn, the wife should voluntarily submit to his headship. The proof texts are: Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Corinthians 11:3; Titus 2:3-5; and 1 Peter 3:1.

Ideally, though, the wife’s submission will go to a lover not an ogre. If more husbands obeyed the Bible’s command to “love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25), surely more wives would think kindly toward the idea of submission. The same thing can be said in regards to 1 Peter 3:7, which reads:

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (N.K.J.V.)

Nevertheless, at no point does the Bible say, “Wives, if your husbands aren’t all they should be, you don’t have to submit to them.” To the contrary, 1 Peter 3:1 specifically speaks of husbands who “do not obey the word.” Interestingly, that verse teaches that a wife’s best chance of creating a desired change in her ungodly husband is to do it through her chaste (pure) conduct, not her rebellion against his headship.

There is, however, another aspect to the wife’s role in a marriage. And, again, it is one that seems very out of step with our times. According to the Bible, the wife is also to play the role of homemaker. As evidence of this, Proverbs 31:10-31, a passage that offers a description of the ideal wife, clearly describes a homemaker. Similarly, in 1 Timothy 5:14, Paul says:

Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully. (N.K.J.V.)

Along the same lines, in Titus 2:4-5 he encourages older women to teach younger women:

…to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. (N.K.J.V.)

These passages aren’t hard to interpret or understand. To be fair, though, Proverbs 31:10-31 does allow some room for a wife to bring in an income. First, the passage speaks of the woman seeking wool and flax and working with a distaff and a spindle (v.13, v.19). Second, she makes linen garments and sashes and sells them to merchants (v.24). Third, from the money she earns as a seamstress, she purchases a field and plants a vineyard (v.16). You see, she does all of this in addition to being a homemaker.

Finally, Proverbs 31:23 offers us one other aspect of a wife’s role. It says:

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. (N.K.J.V.)

In Bible times, a city’s business was conducted at its gates. Therefore, to be “known in the gates” or to sit “among the elders” was to be a very prominent man in the city. The teaching is that a wife should build her husband up socially rather than wreck him. She should better his reputation, not hurt it. She should be willing to take a backseat career wise if it means helping him get ahead in his career.

Even as I write these words, I realize how foreign they must seem to the “modern woman.” But just remember this: Getting further down the road doesn’t help you if you are traveling the wrong road. The only right road is described in God’s word, and that word can be trusted to lead a wife into the kind of life that will make her the woman God created her to be.

Posted in Children, Family, Husbands, Marriage, Submission, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What Is the Husband’s Role in a Marriage?

Posted on February 14, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #5)

The Bible teaches consistently that the husband is to play the role of the head of the home. Ephesians 5:23 can’t be any clearer when it says: “For the husband is the head of the wife…” (N.K.J.V.). 1 Corinthians 11:3 backs that up by saying: “…the head of the woman is the man…” (N.K.J.V.). The husband wasn’t just granted this role in the New Testament age, either. In Genesis 3:16, God says to Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (N.K.J.V.).

Now, whenever a preacher starts throwing around these verses, someone might say, “I think women are just as good as men.” Well, the fact is, women are just as good as men. The issue of headship has absolutely nothing to do with superiority.

As proof of this, let me revisit 1 Corinthians 11:3, and this time I’ll quote all of the verse. Paul says to the Christians of Corinth:

But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (N.K.J.V.)

Please notice that last part of the verse: “the head of Christ is God.” I ask you, is Christ (God the Son) inferior to God the Father? No, He isn’t. The two are coequal as two-thirds of the holy Trinity that is God (John 10:30; John 14:7-11). But is Christ submitted to God the Father? Yes, He is (Matthew 26:39-44; John 4:34; John 9:4; John 17:4). So, clearly, submission does not imply inferiority.

And, husband, you should know that being the head of your home is more about responsibilities than rights. Here again we can trace the idea all the way back to Adam and Eve. After their sin in the garden of Eden, they heard the sound of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8). Immediately, they hid themselves from Him because they didn’t want Him to see they had lost their sinless innocence and been forced to make and wear coverings of fig leaves (Genesis 3:7-8). Of course, God already knew what had happened. But His reaction was interesting. Genesis 3:9 says:

Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?” (N.K.J.V.)

Wait a minute. Wasn’t Eve the one who had caused the trouble? Wasn’t she the one who had first given in to Satan’s temptation and eaten of the forbidden fruit? So, why didn’t God specifically call for her? If nothing else, why didn’t He call for them both together? Why did He single out Adam?

He did it because Adam, as the head of his home, had to bear the brunt of the responsibility for the mess his home had become. You see, being the head of the home is an incredibly serious thing in God’s eyes. When there is trouble in the home, the first person God comes looking for is the husband.

Even if the wife or the kids are the primary troublemakers, everything kicks back on the husband to some degree. If a home goes down on a man’s watch, that man can’t just completely wash his hands of the whole situation and say, “It wasn’t my fault.” Maybe it wasn’t, but just as a coach or manager can’t disassociate himself from his team’s bad season, a husband has to answer for what happened under his headship.

I’ll leave you now with one of my favorite illustrations about headship. It involves a young man and some chickens. The young man was a farmer’s son and one day he announced to his father that he was ready to get married. The farmer said, “Son, why do you want to get married? Don’t you know that when you get married your wife will boss you around?”

The young man said, “Oh, I don’t believe that.” The farmer said, “Okay, let me ask you to do something. Go round up a dozen chickens, tie their legs together, put them in the wagon, hitch up the two horses, and take the wagon into town. Once you’re in town, stop at every house you come to on the street. Wherever you find a husband who is the head of his home, give him a horse, but wherever you find a woman who is the head, give her a chicken.” The father concluded by saying, “I’ll bet you give away all your chickens and come back with the two horses.”

So, the young man did as he was told, and it didn’t take him long to realize his daddy knew what he was talking about. The first eleven houses the young man visited, the woman was the clear head and the boy gave away a chicken. Now he only had one chicken left.

He knocked on the door of the twelfth house and watched as a husband and wife answered the door together. The young man said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to know which one of you is the head of this home.” The man said, “I am.” The young man looked at the wife and asked, “Is that true?” She said, “Yes, it is.” “Well then,” said the young man, “I have a real treat for you. I’m going to give you one of my horses. Which one would you like?” The husband said, “We’ll take the black one.” But the wife said, “Wait, I think the brown one is better.” The husband said, “Fine, we’ll take the brown one.” The young man said, “No, you’ll take a chicken!”

Posted in Headship, Husbands, Marriage, Series: "Marriage", The Trinity | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

What About People Who Want to Be Married But Aren’t?

Posted on February 12, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #4)

Somewhere along the way, the term “the gift of singleness” began to be a thing. This term is an attempt to convey the idea that some people have a special ability to remain single, never having a desire to get married. In other words, “the gift of singleness” is not just being single. It is more than that. It is the ability to spend your life single and be content, even happy, about doing it.

No doubt, the “gift of singleness” term derives from 1 Corinthians 7:7. Paul begins that verse by saying he wishes all men were like him in regards to being single and being able to serve Jesus without having to also deal with the responsibilities of marriage. But then he quickly follows that up by acknowledging that the single life isn’t for everybody. As he describes the situation, “…each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that” (N.K.J.V., emphasis mine). Obviously, Paul is calling his ability to remain happily single a “gift,” hence the term “the gift of singleness.”

So, while the full term itself is never used in scripture — and even if it was, such a “gift” wouldn’t be on par with an actual spiritual gift like teaching, giving, ministering, etc. (Romans 12:3-8; 1 Corinthians 12:1-13; Ephesians 4:7-16) — I understand why people talk about “the gift of singleness.” After all, some folks just don’t need or want to get married. That doesn’t make them bad people. It just makes them people who are more than okay with not getting married.

By contrast, though, telling some people they have “the gift of singleness” is about like telling them they have “the gift of baldness,” “the gift of nearsightedness,” or “the gift of awful in-laws.” In such cases, an individual might sarcastically say to God, “Gee, thanks, Lord. Of all the gifts You could have given me, THAT’S the one You picked?” You see, it’s one thing to try to live the single life, the life described in Matthew 19:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:32-40, when you feel blessed to have the opportunity to live that kind of life. But it’s quite another thing to try to live that life when your desire for marriage is so great that it causes you to cry out to God, begging Him to send you someone.

Since I have been married for many years, I certainly don’t pretend to be the all-knowing voice of wisdom and practical advice in regards to this topic. I’m far from that. Nevertheless, I do feel led of the Lord to at least attempt to offer some thoughts that might help someone who is currently living in the vortex of this problem. As you read these, I hope you will hear them as coming from a guy who is trying to help, not a guy who is talking down to anybody. Also, since I am a Christian and a preacher, my list is going to naturally be slanted toward Christianity and the Bible.

#1: Jesus is the One who has the answers you need. If you have never placed your belief in Jesus as Savior, do so now. He is God the Son, who left heaven, was miraculously conceived in the womb of a Jewish virgin named Mary, was born into the human race, lived a sinless life among the people of this world, died on a Roman cross as the substitutionary sacrifice for the sins of the entire human race, resurrected from the dead, ascended back to heaven, and now provides salvation (i.e., the forgiveness of all sin, acceptance into heaven) to any individual who voluntarily places saving belief in Him. Furthermore, the moment a person believes in Jesus this way, He sends God the Holy Spirit to literally live inside that person’s body. This is the “born again” experience (John 3:1-8), and it changes you on the inside by giving you a new nature, new priorities, new desires, and new attitudes. Additionally, the indwelling Holy Spirit will guide you and teach you in regards to all truth (John 16:13), which includes what is God’s will for your life and what isn’t.

#2: God doesn’t want any single person to be stressed out, worried, or filled with anxiety about not being married. As Philippians 4:6-7 says: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (N.LT.). Another good passage on this is 1 Peter 5:7: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you” (N.L.T.).

#3: If you have a desire to get married, don’t ignore that desire. This holds especially true if you are a Christian. Philippians 2:13 says: “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (N.K.J.V.). That means that God, working through the indwelling Holy Spirit, implants within the Christian the desire to do His will. One example of that would be Him implanting within the Christian the desire to get married.

#4: Live all out for Christ while you are single. Married or unmarried, the best way to live is to bring every corner of your life under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Get in lock step with Him and let Him guide you into His will. First, begin by committing your entire body to Christ as a living sacrifice the way Romans 12:1-2 describes. Second, even more than just begrudgingly obeying Christ’s commands and emulating His example, strive to get to a level where you actually delight yourself in serving Him. By implication, this will include delighting yourself in the Lord’s perfect will and plan for your life. As you do this, you can then claim the very real promise of Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart” (N.K.J.V.).

#5: Don’t assume that your singleness is God punishing you for mistakes you’ve made in the past. If you know Christ as Savior, ALL of your sins are forgiven. I’m not minimizing or excusing anything you’ve done; I’m just pointing out that it’s Satan, not God, who loves to bring up your past. God is very much a God of the here and now, not to mention the future.

#6 It’s at least possible that it’s not God’s perfect timing yet for you to get married. Marriage doesn’t have to happen in a person’s late teens or early twenties or else the opportunity is missed. As evidence of that, when Tonya and I got married, I was 27 and she was 25. While it might never be in God’s plan for a person to marry, age doesn’t have to be the tell-tale sign that proves that.

#7: Always keep an eternal perspective in mind when you think about marriage. For all the talk about marriage, the only marriage in eternity will be the one between Jesus and His church (Matthew 22:30). Yes, you read that right. No marriage extends into the afterlife. As Ephesians 5:22-33, Revelation 19:6-9, and Revelation 21:9 teach, the church is the eternal bride (wife) and Jesus is the eternal bridegroom (husband). Marriage between any man and woman is only a temporal, earthly relationship.

Now, as I begin to close, let me say again that I was 27 years old before I got married. Because of that, I do know something about trying to live a life of holiness as a single and waiting on God to send someone my way. I’ve been on bad blind dates, dressed up for the grocery store in hopes of meeting a girl there, gone to the movies by myself, and foolishly chased relationships that were dead ends. Undoubtedly, that is not a fun way to live. Going around angry, disappointed, frustrated, bitter, jealous, and resentful is no way to live, either. Therefore, I would advise any single person who is feeling such emotions to go to God in prayer, voice all complaints to Him, and in so doing be achingly real with Him.

You might be saying, “But I’ve already done that many times.” Well, don’t stop doing it until you get some definite answers. Don’t just talk at God, talk with Him. As for His answers, they can come by way of His written word, His inner voice (if you are a Christian), your circumstances, open doors of opportunity in your life, closed doors of opportunity in your life, the wise counsel of others, your desires, your preferences, and any other ways in which God sees fit to convey His will to you.

As for the question, “When do you reach a point where you just give up on the idea of getting married?” that’s not for me to answer. Going back to statement #1 on my list, Jesus is One who has the answers you need. Any Savior who loves you enough to literally die for you loves you enough to want good things for you. And maybe marriage is one of those good things He has in mind for you. If it isn’t, that simply means that Jesus is calling you to play an unmarried role in life. One thing is for sure, He doesn’t make mistakes, and that includes making one by not letting you get married. You just need to commit yourself to Him and allow Him to work you through the process of molding and shaping you into the person He wants you to be, either married or unmarried. That molding and shaping will take a lifetime, but it will result in a life well lived and awesome eternal rewards.

Posted in God's Will, Marriage, Series: "Marriage", Singleness | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Does God Want Everyone to Get Married?

Posted on February 9, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #3)

Is it God’s will for each person to get married? The Bible’s answer is, no. However, the reason the Bible names for remaining unmarried is an interesting one. It has to do with the single person being able to devote more time, energy, and resources to service to Christ.

The passage on this is 1 Corinthians 7:25-40. In those verses, the apostle Paul presents the advantages of remaining, as he puts it, “without care.” He says of the man:

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord — how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world — how he may please his wife, (1 Corinthians 7:32-33, N.K.J.V.)

Then Paul applies this same thought to the woman, as he says:

There is a difference between a wife and a virgin (Paul’s term for an unmarried woman).The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world — how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:34, N.K.J.V.)

Needless to say, we shouldn’t take these verses as an indictment against married people. After all, God’s ordained way of propagating the human race is through marriage, and a person can certainly be married and still serve the Lord. But Paul’s point is a good one. Anyone who has been married for one week knows that married life carries many responsibilities with it, and those responsibilities will eat away at time, energy, and resources that could be spent on matters that are more obviously spiritual.

I purposely use that word “obviously” because the fact is that every aspect of a Christian’s life is, in a very real sense, “spiritual.” This same Paul wrote in Colossians 3:17:

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. (N.K.J.V.)

He says basically the same thing in 1 Corinthians 10:31:

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (N.K.J.V.)

Those two verses remind me of that little story about the woman standing at the sink, washing the dishes. A sign above her sink reads, “Divine service rendered here three times daily.” You see, even a marriage responsibility such as washing the dishes can become “divine service” when it is done to the glory of God.

Nevertheless, what Paul is saying in the 1 Corinthians chapter 7 passage is that single people can do certain things for the Lord married people just can’t do. I was a pastor before I got married. Back in those days I could sit up all night working on sermons and not worry about bothering anybody else in the house. Do you know what made that possible? It was the fact that there wasn’t anybody else in the house.

Similarly, I could pray out loud while I laid in bed. I could plan my pastoral visitation schedule with no thought whatsoever to what was going on with my wife’s day. I didn’t have to concern myself with the cares of grocery shopping for anyone other than myself. I didn’t have two boys to get to their ball practices. I didn’t have a mother-in-law or a father-in-law to include in my plans for the holidays. I was, to use Paul’s words, “without care,” except the care I put into serving Christ.

In Matthew 19:12, Jesus gives this same teaching. He says:

“For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.” (N.K.J.V.)

With these words, Jesus describes three different types of eunuch. First, the eunuchs who were born eunuchs would be those people who shouldn’t get married because of physical or mental problems from birth. Second, the eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men were men who were castrated in order to serve in royal service to a king. (In the East, it was common practice to castrate certain servants, particularly those who were placed in charge of kings’ harems.) Third, the eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake are those who have voluntarily committed themselves to celibacy and remaining unmarried in order that they might completely give themselves over to service to the Lord.

And so, we see that there is nothing wrong with remaining single. However, if you are going to go that route in life, you must ask yourself the question, “Why do I want to remain single?” Is it because you don’t want to be “tied down” to one person? Is it because you want to be free to “play the field”? Is it because you are far too self-absorbed and self-centered to ever think about sharing your life with someone else? Or is it because you want to keep yourself free so that you can devote 100% of your time, energy, and resources to Jesus?

If that last one is your motivation, then you are in the good company of Christians such as Paul, people whom God is able to use in ways that are different than the ways in which He uses married people. You see, remaining single is certainly nothing of which you should be ashamed. You just need to make sure that you take the time, energy, and resources that you would spend on a spouse (and potentially children) and spend them exclusively on Jesus.

Posted in Children, Family, Fatherhood, God's Will, Marriage, Motherhood, Series: "Marriage" | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Who Should a Person Marry?

Posted on February 7, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #2)

At the risk of sounding simplistic, a person should marry the one whom God wills. It’s crazy to think that if God’s plan for an individual’s life involves marriage, He wouldn’t have a spouse in mind for that individual. While it’s true that Adam didn’t have any other options but Eve, it’s also true that God “brought her” to him. As Genesis 2:22 says:

Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. (N.K.J.V.)

Adam’s lust didn’t bring Eve to him (i.e., “I was in the heat of passion for her.”). His loneliness didn’t bring her to him (i.e., “I was very lonely and she was there.”). His need didn’t bring her to him (i.e., “I needed someone and she was convenient.”). His circumstances didn’t bring her to him (i.e., “We were both living in the same area and just kind of came together.”). His parents didn’t bring her to him (i.e., “Mom and dad thought we’d make a nice couple.”). His friends didn’t bring her to him (i.e., “My friends hooked me up with her.”). No, it was God who brought Eve to him.   

It’s not that God can’t use loneliness, need, circumstances, parents, or friends to bring a man and woman together in His will. For that matter, He can even use lust in that way (1st Corinthians 7:8-9). The point is that regardless of the means God uses to bring the couple together, each spouse will be able to look at the other spouse and truthfully say, “I know that God brought you to me. I know you are the person He willed for me to marry.”

Now, with this in mind, let me mention that there are a couple of major Biblical guidelines as to who a person should marry. Guideline #1 is: No man should marry another man, and no woman should marry another woman. The relevant Old Testament passages on this topic (Genesis 2:21-25; Genesis 19:1-29; Leviticus 18:22; Leviticus 20:13) are crystal clear, and so are the New Testament passages (Matthew 19:1-6; Romans 1:18-32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; 1 Timothy 1:8-10; 2 Peter 2:4-6; Jude 1:5-7). As I once heard a preacher say, “If the Bible doesn’t teach that homosexuality is a sin, it doesn’t teach that anything is a sin.”

Guideline #2 is: A Christian should never marry someone who isn’t a Christian. The passage on this one is 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. Those verses call such a union an “unequal yoke.” A yoke is wooden bar or frame that sits across the shoulders of two draft animals and binds them together side by side for the purpose of work. Oxen are most typically the ideal animals to yoke together for working, hence the term “a yoke of oxen.”

But what if a farmer put an ox in one harness of the yoke and a horse in the other? In such a case, the yoking wouldn’t function properly because an ox and a horse are different. Their shoulders aren’t the same height. Their walks are different. Their mannerisms aren’t the same. All this would make for an unequal yoke.

Likewise, a Christian and a non-Christian are two completely different types of people. They don’t think alike. Their priorities aren’t the same. They don’t approach life in the same way. That’s why God says they shouldn’t get married.

Needless to say, who a person marries will go a long, long way in determining the quality of that person’s marriage. This is why it’s so important to marry in God’s will. Adam and Eve lived together for centuries as husband and wife and produced descendants that, to a large extent, served the Lord (Genesis 5:1-32). But how did it all start for them? It started with God bringing them together.

You see, that’s always the place to start with marriage, and it’s sad that so many marriages start in other ways. While God can help any marriage become a good one, everything just goes a lot easier if the husband and wife were in His will for each other’s life right from the get-go. Even that doesn’t automatically guarantee the couple a trouble-free marriage, but it certainly does put the relationship on a much more solid foundation from the speaking of the wedding vows.

Posted in God's Will, Homosexuality, Husbands, Marriage, Series: "Marriage", Wives | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Where Did the Idea of Marriage Come From?

Posted on February 5, 2024 by russellmckinney

“Marriage” series: (post #1)

This post begins a series on the topic of marriage. With each of these posts I’ll answer a question that pertains to the topic. Question #1 is: Where did the idea of marriage come from?

The answer to the question is simple: God gave us the idea of marriage. Genesis 2:18 says:

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helper comparable to him.” (N.K.J.V.)

That “helper” was Eve. The Bible first uses the word “wife” in Genesis 2:24, which says of Eve:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (N.K.J.V.)

It is noteworthy that the only thing not “good” about God’s original creation was the fact that Adam was alone. Seven times in Genesis chapter 1 we find some variation of the phrase, “And God saw that it was good.” That all stops, however, when we get to Genesis 2:18, which says it was “not good that man should be alone (emphasis mine).”

Following that jolting change in the storyline, we would assume that the next verse, verse 19, would give us the account of God creating Eve. But that isn’t the way the story reads. Instead, verse 19 talks about Adam naming every beast of the field and bird of the air. What’s up with that? Why didn’t God immediately launch into creating Eve?

He didn’t do it because even though He knew that Adam needed Eve, Adam hadn’t realized it yet. And so, God started bringing land creatures and birds to Adam to let him name them. By reading between the lines just a bit, we can imagine Adam naming each creature and bird and then watching as each one joined back up with its mate to run off or fly off. We know that each of the creatures had a mate because God had previously said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Well, somewhere over the course of all that naming, Adam had to think, “I don’t have one of those mates.” That was the moment he realized his need for a wife, and that was the moment he became ready to get married.

Of course, the world’s first surgery had to be done before Adam could have a wife. God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and while he was sleeping God removed one of his ribs. From that rib God fashioned Eve.

As for the world’s first wedding, God was the presiding minister over the ceremony. The only vows spoken that day came from Adam when he said of Eve,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:23).

The Hebrew word translated in that verse as “Man” is Ish, while the Hebrew word translated as “Woman” is Ishshah. The close relationship between the two is obvious. Eve was the shah to Adam’s Ish.

Now, here’s what I want to leave with you about this whole story: Since God is the One who gave the human race the idea of marriage, He is the One who gets to set the ground rules for marriage. That means He decides who can get married and who can’t. He decides what constitutes a marriage and what doesn’t. He decides what role the husband should play and what role the wife should play.

Over the course of this series, we’ll be looking at all these issues as well as some others. In each instance, though, we will always come back to the foundation of God and His revealed word. He certainly hasn’t left us in the dark concerning an institution as important as marriage. We just need to let His revealed light shine and walk in it.

Posted in Bible Study, God's Word, Husbands, Marriage, Scripture, Series: "Marriage", The Bible, Wives | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Temptation’s Wreckers

Posted on February 3, 2024 by russellmckinney

As a lifelong resident of North Carolina, I’m interested in historical tidbits of information about my state. Somewhere along the way, I picked up an old legend about Nags Head, a town located on the Outer Banks of eastern North Carolina. This legend has never been officially verified, but it sure makes for a good story.

The legend has it that in the 1700s Nags Head was home to a group of ruthless land pirates known as “wreckers” (sometimes also called “bankers”). These men would hang lanterns around the necks of “nags” (horses or mules) and slowly walk the animals up and down the beach at night. Out in the darkness of the Atlantic ocean, a ship would mistake the bobbing light for the light of another ship. Figuring the other ship had found safe passage around the dangerous shoals just off the island, the ship in the darkness would turn inland and run aground on Diamond Shoals.

In the mornings, the “wreckers” would walk along the shoreline to gather up whatever timber or other goods the tide had brought in from the wrecked ships. The found loot was then sold for profit. Even now visitors to Nags Head are shown old houses that were supposedly built and furnished with material taken from these shipwrecks, and the assumption is that Nags Head got its name from the practice of the land pirates hanging the lanterns around the necks of the nags. Estimates say that over 2,000 ships perished off this coast during that time period, with many of the shipwrecks being ships that were fooled by the “wreckers.”

Nags Head is now a tourist town of around 2,700. If it ever was a haven for land pirates, those days are long gone. This doesn’t mean, though, that there aren’t still some “wreckers” out there that need to be avoided. A “wrecker” is anyone or anything that causes another to sail into dangerous waters. For example, a seductive man or woman can wreck a marriage, a bottle of booze can wreck a life, a dirty business deal can wreck a career, and a church leader who doesn’t follow the Lord can wreck a church.

The key to avoiding a “shipwreck” is to accurately recognize a wrecker for who or what it is. Don’t fall for just any old light on a dark night. Don’t be misled by a false reality. Don’t be so quick to trade the known for the unknown.

Most of us have heard the saying, “God won’t put more on you than you can handle.” Even though this saying’s principle is a sound one, there is no Bible verse that specifically supports it. The verse in question actually has to do with temptation. It is 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says:

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (N.K.J.V.)

Please note the teaching of this verse. God will never allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to withstand. To the contrary, whenever you get close to your breaking point, He will provide you with an escape hatch out of that temptation. His job is to provide the way of escape, and your job is to use it.

I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now, but could it be that you are considering sailing off toward some strange light? Are you just about to change your course in life simply because you think this light will lead you into safe waters? Friend, beware of the wrecker! If God really wanted you to chart that course, the way would be much clearer and more sure. The night wouldn’t be so dark, and the light wouldn’t be so questionable. Therefore, rather than turning yourself toward that light, you need to start looking around for God’s way of escape from that temptation. Based upon 1 Corinthians 10:13, that way will be there, and if you use it, you will be spared a disastrous shipwreck.

Posted in Adversity, Change, Choices, Contentment, Deception, Decisions, Discernment, God's Will, Greed, Lust, Problems, Temptation, Trials | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment