Does God Want Everyone To Get Married?
August 21, 2009 21 Comments
Is it God’s will for each person to get married? The Bible answer is, no. However, the reason the Bible names for remaining unmarried is an interesting one. It has to do with the single person being able to devote more time, energy, and resources to service to Christ.
The Bible passage on this is 1 Corinthians 7:25-40. In these verses, the apostle Paul presents the advantages of remaining, as he puts it, “without care.” He says of the man,
“He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord – how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:32-33).
Then Paul applies this same thought to the woman, as he says,
“The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world – how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34).
We shouldn’t take these verses as an indictment against married people. Certainly God’s ordained way of propagating the human race is through marriage, and certainly one can be married and still serve the Lord. But Paul’s point is a good one. Anyone who has been married for one week knows that married life carries many responsibilities with it, and those responsibilities will eat away at time, energy, and resources that could be spent on matters that are more obviously spiritual.
I purposely use that word “obviously” because the fact is that every aspect of a Christian’s life is, in a very real sense, “spiritual.” This same Paul wrote in Colossians 3:17:
“And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
He said basically the same thing in 1 Corinthians 10:31:
“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”
Those two verses remind me of that little story about the woman standing at the sink, washing the dishes. A sign above the sink reads, “Divine service rendered here three times daily.” You see, even a marriage responsibility such as washing the dishes can become “divine service” when it is done to the glory of God.
But what Paul is saying in the 1 Corinthians chapter 7 passage is that single people can do certain things for the Lord that married people just can’t do. I was a pastor before I got married. Back in those days I could sit up all night working on sermons and not worry about bothering anybody else in the house because there wasn’t anybody else in the house. I could pray out loud while I laid in bed. I could plan my visitation schedule with no thought whatsoever to what was going on with my wife’s day. I didn’t have to concern myself with the cares of grocery shopping for more than myself, getting two boys to their ball practices, etc. I was, to use Paul’s words, “without care” except the care I put into serving Christ.
In Matthew 19:12, Jesus gives this same teaching. He says,
“For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.”
With these words, Jesus describes three different kinds of eunuchs. First, the eunuchs who were born eunuchs would be those people who shouldn’t get married because of physical or mental problems from birth. Second, the eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men were men who were castrated in order to serve in royal service to a king. (In the East, it was common practice to castrate certain servants, particularly those who were placed in charge of kings’ harems.) Third, the eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake are those who have voluntarily committed themselves to celibacy and remaining unmarried in order that they might completely give themselves over to service to the Lord.
And so we see that there is nothing wrong with remaining single. But if you are going to go that route in life, you must ask yourself the question, “Why do I want to remain single?” Is it because you don’t want to be “tied down” to one person? Is it because you want to be free to “play the field”? Is it because you are far too self-absorbed and self-centered to ever think about sharing your life with someone else? Or is it because you want to keep yourself free to go more all out in service to Jesus?
If that last one is your motivation, then you are in the good company of Christians such as Paul, people who used themselves up in service to Christ. Remaining single is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Just make sure that you take the time, energy, and resources that you would spend on a spouse and spend it on Jesus.
Thank you for posting this teaching. I will be turning 25 in 2 weeks and its very disheartening to see my peers pursue married lives while i have not had the opportunity. I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me that i am still single. But after reading this I agree it is not God’s will for everyone to be married & it’s not a bad thing if you’re not. I don’t know what God has planned for me yet but i will keep my heart open to what He wants & keep praying for guidance.
Let me thank you for your kind words and interest in the post. I have no idea whether or not marriage is in God’s plan for your life. That’s between you and Him. But I will say that when Tonya and I got married I was 27 and she was 25. So, it doesn’t have to happen in the late teens or early twenties. We are happily married and last month we celebrated our sixteenth anniversary. I tell you this just to help you stay open-minded about the issue of marriage. It may very well be that God’s plan for you doesn’t include marriage. If that’s the case, that’s fine. My point is simply that your age isn’t the tell-tale sign just yet.
Thank you for putting this up. I have read other sites about this matter and by far yours is the most encouraging. I am currently 38 and I struggle with being single. My friends and family constantly ask me what’s wrong with me and I always tell them “God’s will be done.” I wish that they would stop. However, I must say that my heart is becoming hardened and I’m not sure on how to stop it. I do not want to be bitter. I do not want to put up a wall between myself and God, but everyday it get harder. I am praying and asking God for guidance. Do you have any advice?
I did this relatively short post as a part of a series on marriage. I’ll confess that when I wrote it I had absolutely no idea that it would become my most read post ever (by a wide margin). There is hardly a day that goes by that someone doesn’t find it and read it. Obviously, it answers a question that a whole bunch of people are asking. I had no idea that it was such a relevant topic.
I tell you this to let you know that you are not on an island alone when it comes to struggling with singleness. As for advice, I’ll offer something you may have already heard. If you have a genuine desire to be married, the thing to do is continue to live for Christ all out while you are single. Even more than just begrudgingly obeying His commands and emulating His example, you should work to get to a place where you delight yourself in serving Him. By the way, that includes delighting yourself in His perfect will and plan for your life. By doing this, you can then claim the very real promise of Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
I know that it’s easy for me to tell somebody else to delight herself in the Lord, but I prayed before I started writing this reply. I asked the Lord to give me what He wanted me to say to you. And that’s the verse that He immediately brought to my mind.
This was so refreshing to read. I recently told my boyfriend of 8 months that I was not interested in being married. I am sure that is because of the things that I see such as, he has family drama, our family will be blended not sure that I am ready, finances will fall on me, etc… Just overall I think I would be the provider and we both need to be providers. I am not excluding all men, but I rather be single if I have to remain as the sole provider. I hope I do not sound selfish, but I rather not start something that I will not later be able to continue. Had to vent this a lot to think about.
I’m glad the post was a help to you. I have absolutely no idea what God’s plan for your life is and it’s none of my business anyway. I’ll just encourage you to commit your life fully to Christ and wholeheartedly seek His will regarding marriage, career, and everything else. If we will present our bodies to the Lord the way Romans 12:1-2 describes, He’ll get us to all the places we need to be. Thanks so much for commenting.
I read this hoping that it would bring me comfort but I’m sorry to write that it doesn’t. For most of my life I thought I would end up married one day or at least in a healthy loving relationship that would lead to marriage. But I’m 27, the only relationships I’ve had were abusive and I’ve been single for almost 7 years now. Luckily I’m still young enough that people don’t ask me when I’ll get married or have children but I know I only have a few years left. I thought reading your article might help me find peace with being single but it only reminds me of how lonely I am and how much I truly want to be in a relationship. I’ve read about the “gift of loneliness” and prayed that I had it but I clearly don’t. I trust God with every aspect of my life but when it comes to this subject I’m incredibly terrified. I’m terrified that God might send me the man He wants for me but I won’t recognize him. And I’m terrified that if it is in God’s plan for me to be single then I’ll never get used to it and will be constantly suffering on my own while everyone around me is happy. I don’t date cause I’ve developed an intense fear of being vulnerable to men. I also don’t date cause it seems like I have all these personality disorders that make me keep men at arms length. I simply confused and very upset.
When I wrote this post I really wasn’t thinking of coming at the subject from the comfort level. My goal was simply to relay in a pretty basic way what the Bible teaches on the subject.
With that said, I would offer you two pieces of advice. First, you can’t make the pursuit of anything a “god” in your life. That’s a form of idolatry. And from what you’ve written it sounds like you might at least be dancing on the edge of doing that.
Second, don’t give up on the Lord in regards to you getting married. He’s never in a hurry and nothing we can do will speed up His plan. Believe me, I’ve tried to speed Him up. It doesn’t work.
What is His will for your life? I have no clue. Does He want you to someday get married? I don’t know. What I do know is that you are too young to be depressing yourself into thinking doom-and-gloom thoughts about a life of singleness. It seems to me that if you have that great a desire to marry, God knows that about you and has a plan to meet that desire. After all, He knows you better than you know yourself and loves you more than you love yourself. Just food for thought.
I’m not dancing on the edge of idolatry. I never even implied that so I don’t understand your piece of advice.
Thanks for the second.
Sorry, didn’t mean to read something in there that wasn’t there. My mind went that way because of the fervency of your words. I just sort of got the impression that you were devoting an inordinate amount of thought and energy to the idea of you getting married. You also say, “I trust God with every aspect of my life but…” The last word of that line is kind of what I was focusing upon. Anyway, my apologies. It’s hard to offer any kind of reasonable counsel to someone you don’t know.
With that said, I’ll take one last swing at it. You use the word “terrified” three times in your first comment. Try to claim the words of 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mine.” That verse has helped me in a lot of situations. God bless.
I am presently still single and in my early 30′s but I have scripture that just keeps me going and that is the scripture that says none shall lack its mate and I can not fufil that part of the scripture negatively but in a positive way, meaning that I will definately get married cos its the will of God for me.
Isaiah 34:15-16.
dont you think its in the heart more then what you from god to get married
If a person is a genuine Christian, and if it’s God’s will for the person to get married, I certainly would agree that God will give that person a desire for marriage. Philippians 2:13 says: “for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” That means that God, working through the indwelling Holy Spirit, implants within the Christian the desire to do His will. One example of that would be Him implanting within the Christian the desire to get married.
it’s hard for those of us born that way: because it isn’t a choice really. My disabilities make it so I haven’t been able to marry. I suffered great anger at the thought of being held accountable for sin when I can not marry. I wanted to marry because I didn’t want to sin. It’s not my choice. Maybe you can do an article on disabilities someday,
I won’t even pretend to know what all you’ve gone through concerning this subject. I also don’t know why God has allowed a disability to be a major part of your life. What I do know is that most of us, in one way or another, has been disappointed by God. An excellent Christian author named Phillip Yancey even wrote a book entitled Disappointment With God. You might consider buying that book and reading it. Yancey addresses the whole subject far better than I can.
this is in response to c. i am profoundly disabled (in other words, i am trapped in my body). i do know how it feels. while others have choices, we (the profoundly disabled) have almost none. i am only allowed to make the simplest choices in life, like choosing what to wear. i am not free to choose where to live (i will be living with my parents for the remainder of my life) because my condition is too severe to allow for independance. i certainly will never be able to even consider marriage or dating relationships.
let me be honest- i believe in god, however i feel extreme anger at what he has done to my body (not creating me “whole” like others) and the (very cruel) choices he has made on my behalf. i do not feel that it is wrong to say god has been cruel to me. i feel that it is factual. i still serve god but it is a painful and agonizing type of serving god. nothing about this is easy or happy. the only thing helpful to me is to remember that many of us are suffering innocently and many people and animals throughout all of time have suffered unjustly. i believe ultimately that severe conditions like mine are one type of martyrdom, a particularly terrible kind, because the martyrdom lasts the full lifespan.
Thank you so much for your response. I’m sure that it will help others to know that they aren’t the only ones who’d love to get married but never will because of physical disabilities. As I think about your reply three passages come to my mind. First, in Exodus 4:11 God asks Moses, “…who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?” Obviously, the handicapped and disabled from birth are created by God just as surely as everyone else is. Second, in Matthew 19:12, in Jesus’ most extensive teaching on marriage, He says, “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb…” This is clearly a reference to those who will never marry because they were born somehow handicapped or disabled. And then third, in John 9:1-3 Jesus explains that the blindness of a man born blind wasn’t the result of sin on his part or his parents’ part. The blindness was so that the works of God could be revealed in the man. In other words, the handicap was all a part of God’s will for the man’s life. I realize that none of these passages changes your situation or makes marriage possible for you, but at least they can help you understand your situation from a Biblical perspective.
I so appreciated the explanations about God and marriage. I am 50, never married and always thought when I was younger that I would be married and have many children. It just didn’t happen. I suppose it could have happened if I were to turn a blind eye to my suitors infidelities. I was not willing to accept a fake commitment in order to have the dream of marriage and children. I often wonder if that was the right choice. I didn’t want to be married to be divorced. I’ve known many men in my lifetime and I can count on one hand the number of them that were faithful to their wives. Maybe I wasn’t aware of the committed men when they were around? I don’t know. I do know that I will try to to live an honorable life. At this stage of my life I don’t really want to me married. Is that honorable to God to decide not to be married or do you think God wants us to be open to marriage at all stages of our lives?
I once heard a preacher say the faith walk is on a need-to-know basis. So, with that in mind, I’d say that it’s always good to remain generally open-minded about anything pertaining to God’s will and plan for your life. After all, He does seem to throw us “curve balls” every now and then to keep us looking to Him. But if God ever does want you to get married I do believe He will grant you the desire to do so. And if you never feel such a desire, then don’t worry about it. Just continue to serve Him and be perfectly content as a single. Nothing wrong with that.
good to know,